#PTSDDaddy Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as part of PTSD
I feel this is a good time to talk about OCD and how it became a part of me. What is funny is that I never believed in superstition prior to the Army. That all changed during my years serving this great nation. Like football players putting on their lucky socks or underwear on, I found myself prepping for combat operations in a similar fashion. First of all I had an order I would check my gear. I would check my gear in the same order every time. I would check my bag, make sure all of the items I needed were in it, all batteries were charged or new. I would check my food and water I wanted it full and fresh. Then I would check my rifle, clean it if needed, as well as my magazines. If anyone loaded my magazines for me I would unload them and reload them myself checking the spring and the count of the bullets. Ultimately, if I was carrying it into battle I had to be the last person to touch it physically.
The reasons for these is that I did not want to have any reason to blame anyone other than myself if equipment failed me. I also felt that if I touched it, counted it, stocked it, then I KNOW for certain that everything that I THINK is with me is ACTUALLY with me. This has translated over to my everyday world as well. When I went in to seek treatment for PTSD I now had justification for my OCD actions. I locked the door and checked it because if I did not check it how can I say it’s locked? When stuck at a traffic light I would have spotted more than one way out of the way from anything coming in any direction. I would need at least 2 more likely 3 paths to take. Anyone operating a vehicle can lose control and it was irresponsible of me NOT to ensure I had a plan just in case.
I have not posted this week because I received what I thought to have been a suicide message from a veteran friend in Reno, NV. I am nowhere near Reno, NV so there is no way for me to physically check on her safety. I tried replying to her message. I tried calling her. I tried some of her friends on Facebook. Soon her Facebook account was disabled. Her phone was shut off. I called the vet center in Reno, who told me to call the police. I called the police, they said they would do a welfare check. The police never got back to me. I called her work, who again never got back to me. I checked the newspapers hoping not to see her picture with a headline of “body found…”
I could not just let it go. I had to know how the story ended, or IF the story ended. Today I learned that she is fine. I am so happy to learn she is fine, at the same time I am incredibly pissed off and wore the F*** out. I have been so stressed this week trying to make sure a buddy was still kicking that I am truly wore out and is the main reason I have not blogged lately. Now that I am certain she is good I will continue on with my mission. Writing this book, and updating this blog. I have added a few sections to this blog please feel free to check them out. I have added a Forum for questions and discussions. I have added a link with information about the radio show I will be part of once a month. Later this weekend I will post about the topics I will cover next Wednesday June 7th at 6PM. There is much to catch up on. If you know anyone who is contemplating suicide, I am including the crisis hotline picture. Please have them call or at very least let them know to NOT leave a buddy hanging for a week wondering if they are F***ing dead!