#PTSDDaddy on Diagnosis and Denial… Acceptance is not an option.
The funny thing
about having PTSD, and not knowing you have PTSD, is you seem to be the only one who does not see it. This really fucks with your head because you wonder how everyone around you could be so wrong so often and not see it? I mean really with my uncanny ability to justify why I do things the way I do everything becomes a constant barrage of stupid questions for everyone, everywhere, every time. It’s exhausting really, and often you get to the point of “I’m done talking to all of you.” Why do I have to waste my time over and over explaining to others that the reason the doors need to be locked and checked to make sure they are locked is because they cannot be unlocked if we are not ready for them to be unlocked because then we will never be prepared for who tries to bust in the door. I’m not a dumbass, yes I know if they want to get in they will get it, but at least I got a warning first. Sheeesh!
Every little crazy thing that we do there is a legitimate reason. There is, I know many of the “loved ones” and outsiders” disagree but that’s where we get pissed off instantly.
Look, I hear a noise outside. I do not recognize this noise, OR, this is not the right time for this noise. So I go look out the window to figure out what the noise is. Maybe I have to turn down the TV, maybe the noise was faint so I need everyone to shut the fuck up so I can figure out what the noise is.
…Then the OCD kicks in…
No, I will not sit down I am checking on this noise. Because I have to know what made the noise, because the noise is not normal. I don’t care if you heard it or not I heard it and I want to know. Because once I know I can tell if it’s a threat or not. Well because if it was a “normal” noise then it would not have caught my attention. Because I am situationally aware ok? I like to know my surrounding area and what’s happening in it. I know you do not get the “situational awareness” thing you didn’t deploy! No I know that the term “situational awareness” is not an “only Army” term and you know what the words “MEAN”. I’m not retarded. No situational awareness is important everywhere.
God damnit just shut the fuck up and let me figure this out! What’s it to you anyways if you don’t give a shit then continue on with life. I’m not going to let everyone get killed because I didn’t check out this noise!!!
… ok fine… YES it was the neighbor. No the little one… No geese ok it was the 2 year old he was playing outside. Yeah I know a 2 year old isn’t a threat! Ya know what? Just FUCK YOU! Ok? JUST FUCK YOU!
This was just an example of part of a real conversation. At the end of the conversation the loved one is pissed off because they were “just trying to help” and me? Well I am pissed off because they aren’t taking this shit serious. I’m not just talking to talk here! Right? Sound Familiar? Same conversation, different topic? Different OCDness?
So I finally end up hearing from a trained professional that I have PTSD. All because of a little quiz on a piece of paper that asked retarded questions that I could easily answer the “right” answer because I logically know and understand what answers “look crazy” and which ones “are normal”. Psych tests were really developed for retards, the kind of crazy that does not know they are crazy. So this little quiz tells her to tell me that I am crazy. Fuck that! I am crazy because I lock the door? I’m crazy because I want my family safe? I am crazy because I jump at loud noises? Everybody jumps at loud noises you wacko!
Nobody sees themselves as crazy… until they do.
Even in diagnosis, we don’t believe it. Why? For me it’s because I am right. I am always right. I am worried about security, and you don’t understand the importance. I am just trying to be a good husband and father and take care of my family. There is nothing YOU can tell me that will convince me to drop my security one bit because YOU have no clue how dangerous life is. I don’t have PTSD, I have a heightened sense of awareness. I have a sense of urgency, I have a focus on security. The only way I will ever see that I have PTSD is when I see for myself. When it’s me who looks and says wow, all the evidence points to yes. That is the moment where I can put two and two together. Prior to that moment, not going to happen.